310 DAYS AFTER TERRA COLLAPSE, DOJ FINALLY LAUNCHES PROBE ‘DESPITE HAVING A LOT ON.’
This week it was reported that the Department of Justice has finally launched a probe into Terra, just 310 days after $60bn of assets disappeared almost overnight.
‘I know it seems hasty. And we don’t want to seem reckless,’ said the Attorney General, Merrick B. Garland, ‘But it suddenly occurred to us this morning that something bad may have happened 10 months ago when $60billion of assets were wiped out. In fact, back in May 2022, I can distinctly remember saying ‘someone should do something about Terra.’ It was only this morning that I realised that that ‘Someone’ was me.’
The Department has been praised for its urgent response. Particularly as Garland admitted to having ‘a lot on.’
‘It was my sister’s birthday last October, and I had to arrange a party. And you know, not just any old birthday – a big one! The big 5-0. You know, she had friends come down from Canada to join the celebrations, and we had to entertain them. And then I had to take my car into the garage last week, because I had a flat tyre. So it’s been busy, busy, busy. Rushed off my feet, actually. But you know: when there’s work to be done, there’s work to be done.’
It was pointed out that this was an unusually swift response from the department. Garland continued, ‘Well we take Justice extremely seriously. It’s almost as important to us as getting through our boxsets, and doing minor housework. That’s why we launched this probe with breath-taking speed. I hope the speed of our movement doesn’t create G-Forces, or creates whiplash, or something… Perhaps we should delay the investigation by a couple more months, while I go for a check-up at my doctor’s?’
This represents a particularly energetic response from the Department of Justice, who are still deliberating on whether to launch a probe into the Roman Empire.
‘There’s a lot potential crime to investigate in ancient Rome. People were used as slaves. And told to fight wild animals in Coliseums. Sounds like people trafficking. So we might definitely investigate them. But you know: I can’t do that right away. I’m still catching up on ‘The Last of Us’ on the planner. And I then I HAVE to get through ‘Game Of Thrones’ – it’s one of those gaps in my cultural education; I figured I can’t watch ‘House of Dragons’ until I’ve finished GOT – so the Romans’ crimes might just have to wait.’
Merrick B. Garland then declared himself unavailable for further questions, as he was exhausted after our 3-minute grilling, and needed to go for a nap.