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Mashinsky Remains Fat Cat, while Investors have Lean Pickings

Celsius’ CEO Alex Mashinsky faces fury this week, after it became known that he’d cashed out $10 million in the week before the company’s collapse (and his wife $2 million).. whilst his angry investors lost their cash. In an effort to apologise to the angry Celsius community, Mashinsky himself generously hosted a buffet lunch for those affected… but it was a lunch not without controversy.

‘The menu I was emailed beforehand looked great,’ one attendee, Brett Lostalot, told Planet Crypto. ‘But when we arrived… well, it wasn’t so good.’

The event started well, with Mashinsky offering a welcoming speech of apology. But guests soon noticed something wrong. Attendee Noreen Can’t-Afford-My-Own-Food-Any-More picks up the story.

‘There were huge platters of food for the buffet… but they were all empty. Someone had clearly eaten it all beforehand!’

The angry crowd rounded on Mashinsky, demanding to know what had happened to their promised buffet. He strenuously denied any blame for the missing food.

‘It’s not my fault, guys’, he said as he swallowed the last remaining sausage roll. ‘Seriously, it’s nothing to do with me,’ he added, before emitting a loud belch tinged with the smell of vol aux vents, onion bahjis and some smoked salmon bites. ‘If you’re hungry, there are restaurants nearby’, he added helpfully, wiping his dip covered hands on a napkin and brushing breadstick crumbs from his lip as the button on his trousers pinged off, ricocheting round the room before landing on a now empty cheese board.

At this, the crowd turned restive and advanced on Mashinsky, who became irate, waving a hand that contained a final mini-quiche and telling the would-be buffet-consumers that they were ungrateful, greedy and undeserving, before then removing three profiteroles from his trouser pocket and rubbing them in his hair ‘just so you can’t have them!’

Fortunately for the beleaguered and misunderstood rather than just plain dodgy executive, at this moment his wife appeared to usher him from the room… though observers couldn’t help but notice a smear of mayonnaise on her chin and trifle stains on her jumper.

When contacted for comment by Planet Crypto, Mashinsky and his wife were unavailable, apparently both suffering from bad indigestion.