Defrauded FTX customers celebrated today, after assets to the value of $5 billion were found in Sam Bankman-Fried’s hair.
The surprise discovery happened when the hedge-headed CEO went for a pre-trial haircut.
“As soon as Sam sat down, I could tell it was going to be a hell of a job”, said barber, Tony Momoa. “He admitted he hadn’t combed his hair since 2008, but neither of us was prepared for what we found.
“The first surprise was that his hair didn’t just look like a bird’s nest, it actually was one. A family of magpies had been living there and bringing back shiny objects like candy wrappers, keys to Ferraris, oh and the world’s second largest ruby. That accounted for the first billion dollars we found.
“But when I managed to part Sam’s hair a little with the aid of a rake, I discovered an absolute Aladdin’s cave of riches. There were chandeliers, priceless works of art, one of Elton John’s old pianos…. it sounds unbelievable, but the texture of his hair is like Japanese knotweed so it quickly grows around anything nearby and absorbs it into the mass. I had to be tethered to three guys in the barbershop to stop it sucking me in.
“As all this stuff came out, Sam was as surprised as anyone that he’d misplaced so much wealth. I know that’s his excuse for everything, but for once I believe him.”
The barber also discovered that what initially looked like dandruff was actually ground-up amphetamine with a street value of $600m. SBF’s girlfriend, Caroline Ellison, had tweeted about amphetamine use and it’s thought she may have sneezed near him at an FTX party, leaving a vast residue in his hair.
Whilst the haul pleased FTX’s liquidators, the haircut itself was less successful.
“It was just too dense to cut. We tried everything – sheep-shearing blades, a chainsaw, we even set fire to it as a controlled brush burning, but that thatch is just too stubborn. Still, if I found $5 billion of stuff in a comb and tidy, just think what could be retrieved if he gets the standard prison buzz cut?”