There were furious scenes in the Bahamas today, as Blackbeard slammed Sam Bankman-Fried for damaging the reputation of the pirates as he was found guilty of fraud.
The legendary buccaneer, who raided merchant ships from his base in the islands, criticised one time Bahamian-dweller SBF for unacceptable practices and a lack of transparency.
“Yarr, harr, arrr, avast ye matey. SBF and me, we both be thieves, but even pirates has a code of honour. And shiver me timbers if that scurvy dog didn’t break every rule.”
“First, where was his parrot? A parrot on the shoulder is how the world knows to be a-feared of ye. They say he practises Polly amory, which is the fancy name for having sex with a parrot, so he must have one around.
Second, where was his skull and crossbones? Raising the flag is how ye let them know you’re a-comin’ for their loot. At the very least wear a t-shirt with it on. But sink me, when he hornswaggled those traders out of billions, he gave no warnin’ at all!
Third, and most heinous, when you get caught, be a man and walk the plank. Don’t pretend you didn’t do it and blame it on a wench.
“We has a lot in common, he and me. We both likes wine and women, or in his case pills and polyurethane or whatever it’s called. We both robs people blind. But I’ve salt in me veins and this old seadog would rather end up in Davy Jones’ locker than break the pirate code. Still, that’s cocky Gen Z landlubbers for ye.”
With Bankman-Fried in jail, Blackbeard’s men are now searching The Bahamas for where he may have buried some treasure. “We think the scratches on his Toyota Corolla be a map that leads to his cold storage wallet.”