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President Putin may have snubbed the COP climate change summit, but the Soviet fruitcake still maintains: ‘I’m the greenest leader on the planet.’

The baldy despot explained, ‘Everybody knows Bitcoin Mining creates a lot of harmful emissions.

‘And what better way of making Bitcoin Mining impossible, than by creating unnecessary geopolitical conflict?

‘By invading Ukraine I’ve driven down the price of risk assets with reckless landgrabs.

‘And I’ve driven up energy bills by unnecessarily invading a gas-producer.

‘I couldn’t have done more to make Bitcoin mining prohibitively expensive.

‘Why isn’t anyone thanking me?
]I’m like the David Attenborough of World leaders… only a slightly more whacky David Attenborough, who likes posing with his shirt off.

Putin went on to attack his fellow statesmen, ‘More irresponsible leaders have been making Bitcoin mining more amenable by ‘fixing fuel prices’ and not invading Ukraine.

‘Do they not care about the polar ice caps? Hn? Do they not like fluffy-wuffy polar bears? ‘Evidently not.

‘As for Greta Thurnberg… if she was serious about saving the planet she should be invading Ukraine herself. With an army of school children: forget Fridays for Future, she should be launching Wednesdays for Warmongering. After a few weeks of unnecessary-child-led-land-appropriation, Bitcoin Mining will disappear for ever.

‘But has she demanded carnage in her pseudo-Bjork-like tones? No.

‘She just doesn’t care about the planet,’ he said smugly, while adjusting his self-made halo.

We asked his generals for a comment. But they were unavailable for comment, as they were being led to a gulag before they could reply.