As crypto-currencies crash and exchanges face bankruptcy following events at FTX, Planet Crypto caught up with some of the world’s leading crypto-analysts to find out what they think will happen next.

‘No idea,’ said one.

‘Your guess is as good as mine,’ said another.

‘Jiggered if I know,’ said a third.

When Planet Crypto expressed surprise that three experts should admit their ignorance, they explained further.

‘Honestly, I just don’t know what’s going on. I used to come up with all these columns and tweets saying ‘ETH going to the stars!’ Or ‘Cardano’s on the elevator heading to the basement’ and then finding reasons why… but now I know I was just using motivated reasoning to justify saying things I couldn’t possibly know’, the first admitted.

The second concurred. ‘I might as well have been saying random words all this time. Not only is crypto impossible to predict because of its lack of connection to the real global economy and the absence of any essential true worth to it, but it turns out that most of the people in charge are either incompetent idiots or sociopathic liars and fraudsters. Or, in the case of Sam Bankman-Fried, both.’

The third analyst thought much the same, saying: ‘Ditto but with more swearing’.

Did this mean the three of them were getting out of the industry?

‘Well,’ said the first, ‘if I don’t, I’ll have to change my methods. I might as well base my analysis on how mad my cat’s being at any given point, or tie it to the level of comfort I’m getting from my pants. It really does seem that random.’

The second was definitely leaving, however. ‘I’m going to get into other things. Maybe gambling on illegal dog-fighting or analysing what lottery numbers are going to come up. Something that seems less morally bankrupt and more predictable than the crypto world.’

 But to Planet Crypto’s surprise, the third analyst was planning to stay in the industry. ‘Well, I was going to leave… but someone offered me quite a lot of money to recommend some new crypto-coin for a classic pump and dump scheme. So why not, eh?’