US Federal Prosecutors are finally investigating muppet-haired Sam Bankman-Fried, and not just for the collapse of FTX …but, astonishingly, also for market manipulation that caused the Terra Luna crash. But can SBF really responsible for EVERYTHING that’s gone wrong? Planet Crypto reached out to one of the prosecutors to find out more.
Planet Crypto:
So you think that Sam Bankman-Fried is somehow involved with the failure of Terra Luna?
Lawyer:
Quite possibly. FTX was responsible for many of the sell orders that were the proximate cause of the Terra Luna crash. So we’re looking closely into that. As well as events leading to several other recent bad events that Mr Bankman-Fried may have been involved in.
PC:
Such as?
Lawyer:
Well, did you notice the unseasonably warm October we just had? And now the unseasonably cold December?
PC:
Er… yes?
Lawyer:
Can it be a coincidence that at the same time FTX was melting down, so was the world? And now all its assets are frozen, so’s the weather?
PC:
Sorry, you’re saying that Sam Bankman-Fried is responsible for climate change?
Lawyer:
We’re not saying anything. But we are investigating the connection. Just as we’re looking into the fact that on February 24th this year, Mr Bankman-Fried sent several emails… and that very same day Russian invaded Ukraine.
PC:
But were those emails to Vladimir Putin? Or anyone in Russia?
Lawyer:
We don’t know. Which is why we’re investigating. Just as since France knocked England out of the World Cup, we’re looking into rumours that Mr Bankman-Fried once holidayed in France and is possibly involved in that footballing outcome.
PC:
We’re not exactly defenders of SBF, but surely you’re just trying to blame him for everything bad that’s happened recently?
Lawyer:
No! Not at all. We’re also seeking to blame him for bad things that happened a long time ago. For example, we all know that President Kennedy was killed on the 22nd of November, 1963. Can it be a coincidence that exactly 28 years and 353 days later Mr Bankman-Fried’s company FTX filed for bankruptcy?
PC:
That’s not even a coincidence. There is literally no connection bar the word ‘November’.
Lawyer:
Really? Then explain this: JFK; SBF. Both known by three initials. And, Lee Harvey Oswald; Sam Bankman-Fried. Very nearly the same number of syllables, clearly implicating him.
PC:
Oh, come on! We agree the perm-headed, shorts-wearer is dodgy as anything, but you can’t hold him responsible for the Kennedy assassination! He wasn’t even born yet.
Lawyer:
Wasn’t he?
PC:
No.
Lawyer:
Says you. And it’s not just past events. It’s also future ones. Such as the fact that it has been decided by my family that I will cook Christmas dinner this year. I’m a terrible cook. And when I inevitably poison everyone with turkey that’s totally burnt on the outside but as pink and squidgy as a baby’s bottom on the inside… well, I’m pretty sure that’ll be Bankman-Fried’s fault as well.
PC:
You can’t blame him for literally everything!
Lawyer:
Why not? It’s fun. And it’ll let a lot of real culprits — like me with Christmas lunch — right off the hook.
PC:
It’s not fair.
Lawyer:
Fine. We’ll stop trying to blame him.
PC:
Good.
Lawyer:
And we’ll spend our time trying to make Trump President again so we can blame him for everything.
PC:
Hmm, second thoughts, keep blaming Sam for stuff…
Lawyer:
Thank you.
