Following the collapse of FTX, the SEC has received criticism for not spotting problems with the crypto exchange before it got into trouble. SEC chairman Gary Gensler defended his staff, however, saying in a statement to Planet Crypto:
‘We’re sorry we didn’t identify issues with FTX, but I’m afraid the warning systems we had in place didn’t function correctly’.
When asked what the warning system consisted of, he explained further.
‘We’d been keeping a close eye on Matt Damon and Kim Kardashian, and as neither of them had recommended FTX in any way, shape or form, we assumed it was a solid business that couldn’t fail. Matt and Kim are normally very reliable in these matters: if they say a crypto-investment’s good, well, you know that sucker’s going down.’
Pressed on whether that was a sensible way to regulate an industry, Mr Gensler insisted there were other elements to the system.
‘We also keep an eye on Reece Witherspoon and Kanye West. We didn’t hear a positive peep from her; and he hasn’t been seen in a baseball cap with FTX on it, so we assumed the company was stable. True, Tom Brady pushed it… but he’s got seven super-bowl titles and used to be married to Gisele Bundchen. You gonna tell me a guy like that’s wrong?’
Planet Crypto sought reassurances that the SEC would upgrade its warning systems on crypto-companies, and Mr Gensler was keen to insist they would.
‘We’ve got a team hard at work on the matter. So far, they’ve recruited two fairground fortune tellers, one astrologer and a monkey who throws darts at a wall containing pictures of the fifty leading crypto-companies… if we don’t spot the next crash coming, I’ll be amazed.’
