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This week, SEC’s Gary Gensler has been put in charge of regulating America’s stable doors and deciding when they should be shut.

Two months after the collapse of FTX, and ten months since Gensler held a friendly meeting with Sam Bankman-Fried, the Securities and Exchange Commission has decided to reprimand the former CEO for defrauding investors. Following this decisive and rapid action, chief regulator Gensler has now been identified as just the man to fix America’s stable door crisis.

U.S. Congressman, Les Thansmart, explained the appointment: “We’s always getting’ calls from horse owners who put the darn thing in the stable and the next they know, it’s done mysteriously bolted. For the heck of me, I’ve never worked out if the stable door should have been closed before or after it ran amok. It’s a real head scratcher. But if anyone knows, it’s Gary. He’s a smart cookie. And I love cookies. Doctor says that’s why I have diabetes.”

Following the announcement, a delighted Gensler said, “Trust me, it makes little difference whether the stable door is open or closed. The important thing is that once a horse has bolted, we set an example to other horses by doing too little, too late, and shutting that stable door. And if those other horses decide to do the same thing, woe betide them because I won’t hesitate to do too little too late after them too. God, I love being right all the time. I wish there was a clone of me that I could have sex with. Press conference over, no further questions.”

On Gensler’s first day in the job, over 2,000 horses bolted through open doors. He is now finding a way to blame Kim Kardashian.