The Grim Reaper has slammed social media users for repeatedly wasting his time with false “Bitcoin is dead” claims.
The Angel of Death, charged with ferrying departed souls to the afterlife complained, “Since it was born, there have been 452 obituaries posted for Bitcoin, and every one was a false alarm. I’m fed up with it.”
The Pale Rider described how he was duped by the latest hoax. “I was doomscrolling on a cigarette break when all these graphs appeared of Bitcoin’s vital signs – ‘Spent Output Profit Output Ratio’, ‘Relative Strength Index’, ‘Dormancy Flow’ – I don’t know what they mean but the experts said it showed Bitcoin was dead. So like an idiot I went to collect it, only to find it’s not dead at all, just a bit below par. It completely messed up my day.”
This latest incident comes during a period where the Reaper job has become more difficult to execute. “I went to collect Luna recently, only to find its soul had already been re-born into a new entity. Meanwhile the world and his wife can see that Celsius is dead but I’m not allowed to collect it until someone pulls the plug. To be honest, I miss The Plague. You were busy but at least you knew where you stood.”
The Grim Reaper reserved special criticism for habitual hoaxers. “I’ve had to stop following Peter Schiff. The guy cries wolf like it’s stirring coffee. From now on, I deal with souls, not assholes.”
He also urged social media users to exercise more caution before posting. “Use what I call the ‘Pete Davidson Principle’. Just because it looks dead and smells dead, that doesn’t mean it is.”
He also urged social media users to exercise more caution before posting. “Use what I call the ‘Post Malone Principle’. Just because it looks dead and smells dead, that doesn’t mean it is.”
The Grim Reaper ended his rant with a vow. “Every week, I get hoax calls that one of the 3B’s has gone – Bitcoin, Britney, and Betty White. I’m no longer responding to any of them.” On being informed that Betty White died 6 months ago, he replied, “Dude, I’ve told you, I’m not falling for that shit anymore.”