After his staff wrote a petition expressing no confidence in the leadership at Coinbase, people have been speculating whether the management is the most unpopular in the world.
We went to see CEO Brian Armstrong to find out..
PC: Hello, Brian.
BA: Nice to meet you. Let’s go inside.
..Um, Brian. There’s something on your back?
BA: Huh? Oh… This sign saying ‘kick me?’
Yeah, one of my HR mistakenly patted me on the back earlier…. They probably forgot they had this post-it note in their hand at the time… They probably intended to put it on a football, or something…Come through to my office.
PC: There’s a flaming paper bag on the threshold to his office…
BA: … Oh dear, the mailroom staff seem to have dropped a flaming paper bag on my doorstep. I’d better stamp it out…
(He stamps out the flames)
…AAGG!! Oh no,. There seems to have been a dog turd inside the bag, and it’s all over my shoe. How very unlucky.
Anyway, come in…
He opens the door…
…a bucket of water falls on his head.
BA: Gah. Glub, glug.
PC: You OK?
BA: Oh that was careless. Very careless. Someone must have accidentally left a bucket full if water precariously on top of the door… Probably one of the cleaners…
…Please, let’s take a chair.
PC: Thank you.
BA: (He sits) …YAROOO!!!!
BA: …Sorry. One of the secretaries must have accidentally left an upturned tin-tack on my seat. Most unfortunate.
Now, before we start, would you like a coffee?
PC: Yes please.
BA: Here we go..
(Sips his own coffee. Spits out his coffee)
Sorry, my PA seems to have put two spoons of salt in my coffee, rather than sugar. Still, it’s an easy mistake to make; they look so similar….
Now, what did you want to ask me..?
PC: Well, people are wondering if you’re one of the most disliked bosses in the world? I mean it sounds like your staff hates you.
PC: There’s someone at the door.
BA: Just ignore it. I think we must have a ghost.
PC: A ghost?
BA: Yes, I keep hearing knocks at the door, and when I answer it there’s always no-one there. …But there’s always this mysterious sniggering from the typing-pool.
PC: It really does sound like someone is there.. You’d better answer
Brian Armstrong opens the door. It’s a pizza delivery-boy.
PIZZA BOY: Pizza delivery.
BA: Excuse me..?
PIZZA BOY: I’ve got the seven Extra Large ‘The Works’ pizzas you ordered.
BA: …I didn’t order pizza…?
PIZZA BOY: It says on this delivery form that you did. Look, clear as day – it says ‘’seven extra large pizzas to the office of the CEO, Mr B. Utthead….”
BA: But my name isn’t Mr B. Utthead?
PIZZA BOY: It’s definitely this office. You owe me $200.
BA: …oh. Sure.
(He pays the delivery boy $200 and the boy goes)
Would you like some pizza?
BA: Fair enough. But hey. This just shows you how much my staff love me. One even went to the effort of making sure I was getting enough to eat. Anonymously. So…
PC: But why are your staff making petitions? Surely they hate your style of management?
BA: Well. That’s simply not true. Only last week an anonymous member of staff tastefully decorated my office in toilet paper.
PC: But aren’t your staff demotivated by the company’s crass handling of redundancies.
BA: You’re ignoring the fact that in the recent crisis, I’ve managed to save a number of key job.
PC: And what is that number?
BA: And the job is my own. Now if you’ll excuse me.. I have to get on. I have a busy day of stamping on flaming paper bags full of dogshit to get through.