As his takeover of Twitter looks like finally succeeding, full time billionaire and part time maniac Elon Musk has admitted that he’s finally fulfilled one of his lifelong dreams. When asked if acquiring Twitter really meant that much to him, Mr Musk replied:
‘What? No. I mean, sure, buying it’s good. But if you look at the share price since I first expressed interest in buying it… well, that’s where the real dream fulfilment kicks in.’
On being asked to explain what he meant, the eccentric, bit mad billionaire was only too happy to do so.
‘Because of everything I’ve said and done recently, the value of the shares has been up and down like an irritable bowel sufferer’s trousers’, he explained. ‘There’s been some real, short-term volatility. But if you look at the bigger picture of the share price over time… well, I think you’ll see what I mean.’
Intrigued, Planet Crypto did as he suggested, and this is what we discovered:
‘You see it, right? That’s me giving Jack Dorsey and Parag Agrawal the financial finger!’
When challenged on the idea that he’d been manipulating the share price merely to draw a rude image with it, Mr Musk could barely contain his laughter.
‘Of course I have! And did you see what I made happen with all my comments about doge-coin?’
We had to admit we hadn’t, but a swift bit of research revealed the following:
‘It’s like a cute little doggy! I did that!’
When pressed as to why, Mr Musk explained with rolling eyes and a shouty voice.
‘Because I’m the fun billionaire! Not a dull one like Bill Gates. He made his money with boring old computers. I made mine with rockets! And electric cars! Cool stuff!’
And does Mr Musk believe his use of his money to draw childish images with share and crypto currency price graphs is superior to Bill Gates’ philanthropy?
‘I mean, sure, he’s using his money to try and eliminate disease and solve climate change yadda, yadda, yadda… but where’s the fun in that? Where are the LOLs? I put a car into orbit round the sun! With an astronaut in it listening to David Bowie! Super-bantz!And just wait til you see what I’m going to do with Starlink. Yeah, it’s going to give global internet coverage to the poor and it’s helped out the Ukrainian army with unhackable communications… but the real point is that once all 12,000 satellites are up there I won’t have to bother with share price cartoons — I can manoeuvre them to literally draw a cock and balls in the sky! Brilliant! Suck on that, Bill!’
At this, Mr Musk sat back panting with excitement. Once he’d caught his breath, he had one final thing to say:
‘Oh, and watch out if you own one of my cars… because one click on my computer and every single Tesla in the world will self-drive to the middle of the Mojave desert and park so they spell the word ‘boobies’.’