When North Korea fired a ballistic missile towards Japan this week, it had little to do with the world of crypto… or so you’d think. But after being contacted by a senior Japanese Government official, Planet Crypto discovered a surprising link.
PC:
Obviously, this was a worrying moment for Japan.
Japanese Government Official:
It was. We placed the country on high alert in case the missile’s payload was dangerous.
PC:
You were concerned it might be explosives?
JGO:
Worse.
PC:
Chemical weapons?
JGO:
No. We were concerned that it might contain… Do Kwon.
PC:
Sorry, what?
JGO:
Do Kwon. The disgraced CEO of Terraform labs.
PC:
Yes, I know who he is… but what would he be doing on a missile?
JGO:
Well, we suspect he might be hiding somewhere on the Korean landmass – and we know he’s desperate to escape the thousands of law-suits he’s facing. Not to mention the furious investors out to get him. And I imagine his wife’s pretty cross with him too.
PC:
That might be scariest of all.
JGO:
Since South Korea cancelled his passport, he’s been trapped wherever in the world he’s been hiding. But intelligence sources told us that he’d slipped into North Korea and bribed chubby psychopath Kim Jong-Un—
PC:
Kim Jong Wrong-un as I like to call him…
JGO:
Please. Do not interrupt me with your weak name-puns.
PC:
Sorry.
JGO:
Anyway… intelligence indicated that he paid a considerable sum of money to be put into a missile and fired to Japan, where he hoped to start again under an assumed identity.
PC:
I see.
JGO:
Just imagine: one of the world’s dodgiest crypto-criminals in Japan. Wreaking havoc with his poorly designed worthless products. Frankly, a huge explosion or a chemical attack would have been like a picnic in comparison.
PC:
Is he really that bad?
JGO:
As an old Japanese saying has it… ‘yes’.
PC:
Well, luckily for everyone, the missile missed Japan.
JGO:
But it wasn’t meant to. It was due to land near Tokyo. But Do Kwon paid for his flight in Terra Luna… and once he’d been launched, Kim Jong-Un realised how little it was worth.
PC:
Ah.
JGO:
So he ordered the missile’s trajectory to be changed, making it land in the middle of the Pacific.
PC:
A lucky escape.
JGO:
For Japan. Alas, not for the Pacific Ocean. Within minutes of landing, Do Kwon apparently started a new currency, Mare Luna, which dropped 375% in value within eight seconds of trading.
PC:
That’s not good.
JGO:
No. We’re already getting reports from coastal regions of fish washing up on the beach complaining that they’ve lost everything. Japan was lucky.
PC: Completely real and definitely not fictional Japanese Government Official, thank you very much.
