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Now, everyone loves a juicy satsuma or tasty tangerine at Christmas time… and so for the Eleventh Day of Crypto-Christmas, we’ve got the human equivalent of one of those — well, in skin-colour anyway. Yes, it’s the man who got banned from twitter when even murderous despot Ayatollah Khamenei and barbaric Afghan rulers the Taliban didn’t… please welcome ex-President and wannabe-President-againer Donald J Trump!

PC: So, Donald… what’s your favourite Christmas movie?

DT: Home Alone 2, a movie I was in and which was the best movie ever — or at least the bit I was in was. And I’ll tell you a movie I hate: ‘A Christmas Carol’. A man changes his ways after being visited by spirits? SAD! WEAK!!! I could be visited by every spirit ever and I’d never change. Because I don’t need to. I’m the best. The bestest, winningest person ever.

PC: Well, speaking of Christmas Carols… what’s your favourite one?

DT: ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’. I’ve changed the words, though. ‘Oh come all ye faithful, Trump-ful and triumphant, oh come ye, oh come ye to raid the Capitol and make me President again totally legally because I won actually.’ Much better.

PC: What did you have for Christmas lunch this year?

DT: I ate a healthy soup of horse de-wormer, all washed down with a glass of vintage bleach. No Covid for me! And I’ll tell you what I’m going to have next year: that turkey Ron DeSantis. Stuffed. On a platter. So he can’t run against me in the Presidential primaries in 2024. Not that he’d win. SAD LOSER!!! That’s him, obviously. Not me.

PC: What was your highlight of 2022?

DT: Elon Musk buying twitter and letting me back on… and then me not using it. Ha! That’ll show that billionaire idiot! SAD!!!! My social media site Truth Social has WAY more users. Nearly 2 million! Which is much more than twitter’s 396 million. If you use the same special maths that tells me I actually won the election in 2020.

PC: And what are you looking forward to in 2023?

DT: Saying SAD!!! a lot. But in even bigger letters. SAD!!! Like that. I Trump. I big. I clever. I be President again.

PC: And do you have any regrets from anything you’ve done in 2022?

DT: No! Regrets are for LOSERS! Regrets are SAD!!! See? Told you I’d be saying SAD in bigger letters. That was my biggest one yet. The biggestest sad in history. Just like I was the bestestestest most Presidentest President in History!