Now it’s very hard to contact the CEO known as CZ, as no-one knows where Binance’s HQ is. In fact it’s almost impossible to send him a Christmas card, as no-one knows the address. But Planet Crypto managed to get in touch, by posting him a request to be interviewed on Zoom to: ‘an Extinct Hollowed-Out Volcano, The One With The Steel Retractable Roof, Somewhere in The Pacific.’ So here he is, as our Fifth Guest this Crypto-Christmas:
PC: Changpeng Zhao, it’s nice to see you.
CZ: I’ve been expecting you Mr Crypto. NAHAHAHAHA.
PC: Goodness, what a greeting. You sound like a Bond villain, which is purely coincidental. Because you’re nothing like one. Now, can you ask your sinister white cat to stop giving me ‘the evils’…
CZ: My cat does what he wants because there are no rules here. He is entirely deregulated. NAHAHAHAHA.
PC: Oh, ok. Right, well we’re asking the biggest characters in Crypto about their Christmases. Now, Binance doesn’t have a HQ – so where will you be having the office party?
CZ: Why do you want to know the location of the Binance Office Party? Who do you work for?
PC: Er, Planet Crypto?
CZ: We will be having a decentralized party, in keeping with the decentralized ethos of the decentralized company. The disco will be in Abu Dhabi, the canapes in Bahrain, the alcohol in Paris and the photocopier-where-drunk-secretaries-can-take-photocopies-of-their-bare-behinds in Dubai.
PC: That doesn’t sound like much of a Christmas party?
CZ: Hey: not my fault. We were going to have the mistletoe in Malta, the tree in Malaysia, the presents in Uzbekistan, the turkey in Japan, a Secret Santa in Canada, mulled wine in Thailand and Christmas cake in China. But the stupid authorities banned us from there. They have no Christmas spirit.
PC: It doesn’t sound like you trust the rule of law very much?
CZ: Hey, you can’t trust anything these days. I had an intruder try to come down my chimney last Christmas with a sack full of suspicious packages. Really. So I had my minions arrest him and throw him into my pool of piranhas. NAHAHAHAHAHA. Only kidding. I did not do that. Because I am nothing like a Bond villain.
PC: So will you be eating the regulation turkey?
CZ: I keep telling you: we do not follow any regulations. I will probably do something beyond the rules… Like eat a Christmas Aadvark. Or a nice roast lemur… Wildebeest with buttered parsnips, that kind of thing.
PC: So where will you be during the festivities?
CZ: I will be with my loved ones.
PC: Ah, your family?
CZ: No, my beloved pool of sharks. I will make sure my-little-sharky-poos have a nice Christmas lunch. Of henchman Number Five. Who has disappointed me. NAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding. Because I am nothing like… etc. Now, I have to return to work. So if you could kindly leave over the trapdoor-hinged bridge which goes over the piranha pool, I’d be very grateful. NAHAHAHAHA!