After a week in which the crypto-world went crazier than usual after the collapse of FTX, Planet Crypto decided it was time for another one of its indices to help you decide exactly what level of fear and panic you should be maintaining as your holdings disappear into digital mist.

This week: the Sam Bankman-Fried Index. What level of crypto-crim panic are you at?

1. Everything’s great — people seem to be throwing money at me! And I live in the Bahamas.
2. Ha, ha, look at Celsius exchange! That could never happen to me.
3. Or could it?
4. Uh-oh, I can feel a chill wind blowing up my shorts and onto my bits.
5. FTX has no liquidity problem, honestly.
6. Alright, FTX does have a teeny-tiny absolutely huge liquidity problem.
7. And now I’ve got a personal pants-based liquidity problem.
8. I’m never wearing shorts again. People can see my fear trickling down my leg.