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Financial Experts Who Are Brilliant at Predicting Events Once They’ve Already Happened.

Financial commentator, Peter Schiff, has said that he knew as far back as 2021 that crypto lender Celsius was a Ponzi scheme. He also didn’t understand why others hadn’t also worked it out sooner.

As you’d expect, readers were left stunned by this uncannily accurate display of psychic post-prediction, the mystical art of predicting an outcome long after it has happened.

Speaking later to Planet Crypto, Schiff was more modest about his powers of fore-afterthought, however. “I suppose I forget sometimes that I have a psychic gift. To most normies, the ability to predict something happening a year after it’s already happened must seem supernatural, but to me it’s nothing unusual. I’ve had this gift ever since I fell in the toilet as a baby. It was a life-changing experience. To this day, I still pee with the toilet lid down.”

But one nagging question remains – why couldn’t Schiff have told us in 2021 that he knew Celsius was a Ponzi?

“Ah, that’s simple. Muggles like you live in the 4th dimension which is governed by time. Thanks to my psychic powers, I exist in the 5th dimension where all of time happens at once. Celsius collapses at the same time as the dinosaurs go extinct which happens at the same time as Bruno Mars releases Uptown Funk. So it’s hard to put those things in the right order for your muggle time. Oh and yes, spoiler alert, the dinosaurs will go belly-up 65 million years ago. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Oof, I’ve got chills.