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FTX’s founder, SBF, accused of stealing funds to shore up his flagging Almeda co., now stands accused of stealing a ‘not guilty’ plea to flag up his flagging fraud defence.

‘I just can’t help myself,’ said the woollen-haired dork. ‘I was in court awaiting trial, thinking that I had no chance of winning my case… when in the court just before me – I heard a man say very clearly ‘not guilty’ to an offence of driving with a broken headlight. And he got bail. In desperation, I thought, ‘I’m going to use that.’’

When told that criminal defences were not transferrable, SBF admitted, ‘I f*cked up. I honestly thought that if I pleaded not guilty to driving with a broken headlight – then the books of justice would be balanced. And the Judge would let me off the other charges.  I’ve not tried to con anyone, it was an honest mistake.”

His critics disagree, but SBF begged them to have sympathy for his position. “It’s really hard for me to get good advice at the moment. Apart from my lawyers, and my parents who are lawyers, I don’t have access to a single lawyer.”

Bankman-Fried is at least confident of not being convicted for the traffic offence because he has a solid alibi. “I can prove that at the time they say I was driving, I was actually in my office committing massive fraud. I’m happy to show the judge in my traffic case all the evidence of that. Just not the judge in my fraud case. That’s legal, right?”

If all else fails, SBF plans to woo the court by changing his plea against fraud to ‘Save the Rainforest.’