U.S. authorities have been accused of going too far in their war on crypto after a friendly dog was impounded in case it was ‘crypto-friendly’.
The authorities’ recent assault on crypto has included the forced closure of crypto-friendly banks and the regulatory strangling of stablecoins. But the arrest of a Labrador marks an escalation in anti-crypto policy.
Pet owner, Samantha Martin, takes up the story.
“My dog Noodles is such a sweet-natured thing. A little girl wanted to pet him in the park and I reassured her that he was friendly. The next thing you know, a SWAT team burst out of the bushes and were shouting, ‘Watch out! He might be crypto friendly!’ They bundled me to the ground and tried to restrain Noodles. Unfortunately, he thought their submachine guns were sticks and they wanted to play. That’s when the reinforcements abseiled out of helicopters.”
Sam and Noodles were taken by armoured van to a secure government facility. “I thought that was a bit much. They wouldn’t even let him ride with his head out of the window, which he loves.”
Then Sam learned why Noodles had been arrested. “They said that because he was friendly, he might be crypto-friendly, and that meant he was a threat to the global economy. It seemed a bit of a stretch. I did have to take out a loan for the vet bill that time he ate a sock, but that was the nearest he’s come to endangering capitalism.”
Noodles then underwent hours of interrogation by the SEC, the Fed and the FDIC. “I don’t think they knew much about crypto”, said Sam. “They kept asking him, ‘Are you Dogecoin? Who is Shiba Inu? Tell us what staking is.’ But Noodles was far more interested in sniffing Gary Gensler’s behind. I think he thought Mr Gensler was one of those little Mexican hairless dogs. After 24 hours they released us with a warning, but I’ve noticed that a man in dark glasses now follows us everywhere.”
When asked to comment, a White House spokesman told Planet Crypto, “We will continue to do everything to protect the American public from threats to the economy. Everything except regulate the banks better, obviously. I mean, don’t bite the hand that feeds, right?”